“Some of these people are sex lunatics!” Helen said, her voice rising with her hands in the air. “The guy came in with a ring he had put on his penis.” Helen is a lady and always uses the anatomical names of body parts.
“Why would you want to do that?” I asked, oblivious to the answer.
“He wanted to prolong his erection and then realized he couldn’t get it off as he became more and more engorged.”
“Then what happened?” I asked, leaning forward, eyes wide.
“He had to go to the hospital. But he was ok. Embarrassed more than anything.”
Helen, a dear friend of mine who is older and wiser than I, has worked in the medical field for many years. Icky-body-part-assistant should be her official title. Genital warts, urinary tract infections, chlamydia. That’s her typical day. Since I’m fascinated with the human body and all its mysteries, Helen and I often chat about her eye-opening experiences. She, of course, always keeps names out of it. Lucky for me. I wouldn’t want to realize I actually know one of these “sex lunatics”.
“I would just say, Listen, Buddy. You need to package your penis,” Helen said. “I mean, how do you expect not to get S.T.D’s if you don’t use condoms? And what is this ear sex?” She enunciated the words like she was talking about a disease. “People are always trying to find new ways to do it. But if God wanted you to have a penis in your ear, you’d have one there. I just can’t imagine a man ejaculating in my ear! If a guy ever asked me to have ear sex I’d say Hit the road or I’ll tie your penis in a knot!” She waved her hand as if swatting a fly, “I’m so tired of looking at penises. These men come in and think it’s enjoyable for me to have to look at another penis? Oh please! You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all!”
I hope you enjoy Helen as much as I do. What do you chat with your friends about?