Last night we watched Sleepwalk With Me.
It’s a movie about a guy who’s been dating his (wonderful) girlfriend for 8 years and is terrified of marriage. As a result of the pressure that his friends and family have put on him about getting married, his subconscious resorts to sleepwalking.
“Are you serious?” I said to my nearly unconscious husband.
“What,” Michael said.
“Your eyes are closed.”
“Last night you kicked me off the couch because I was falling asleep. Actually, you may as well have said Get the hell off the couch and go to sleep so I can have the living room to myself and watch Breaking Bad.”
“It wasn’t Breaking Bad. It was Dexter. And you were practically passed out at 9pm.”
“I’m getting my period. I’m tired.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Do you menstruate?”
He rolled his eyes as far back in his head as possible.
“By the way, Michael, what kind of tampons do you use? Not the CVS brand, I hope.”
“The point is that you’re berating me for being tired tonight, but it’s ok that you were tired last night.”
“You’re ruining our date.”
“This is a date?”
“Every night is date-night in a marriage.”
“It’s nice how you got what you wanted and now you’re unconscious.”
“I didn’t hear you complaining when we were in the bedroom.”
“That’s not the issue.”
The movie continued and the girlfriend, Abby, is flirting with some guy in a bar while her boyfriend is on the road doing a comic circuit (is that what comedians call it, a circuit?).
“Oh, you see? This is why I hate watching movies like this. She’s talking to some asshole in a bar while he’s working his ass off.”
I admit, I was secretly rooting for her to get with the new guy. “They’ve been dating for 8 years and he doesn’t know if she’s the one. She should dump him because she can do so much better and he’s a doofy moron but she wants to marry him and he’s like Ahhh….derrrr.”
“He’s just an insecure guy. He’s trying to figure his life out.”
“Can’t he do that while he’s married?”
“How much longer is this movie?” I said.
“I don’t know, like 10 minutes.”
“I have to pee.”
“Oh my God! You can’t hold it in for 10 minutes?”
“Why is it such a big deal to pause it?!” I shouted from the hallway as I ran to the bathroom.
“You’re ruining our date!”